It's been a while since I made a journal!

(Also, thanks Ninja Assassin! Although I don't think the Ninja Assassin would support my choice of such a cute skin, but you never know. I did see a commercial for this movie the other day, and it said "Critics are calling it... 'Violent!'" and I was like wtf? That wasn't necessarily praise, but ok O_o XD)

Altermentality.com?
I'm thinking about starting a website where I can showcase the best of my art, both fanart and original, as well as my few worthwhile pieces of music. Problem is, I don't know diddly squat about web design, but I'm sure I can find some tools or templates help me figure out how to make a decent-looking page.

Character "sketches"
This marks about the fiftieth time I've said this in my journal, but I need, and want, to write more.

I've claimed before that I was going to start writing poems, but that didn't happen. I actually had the intention of doing NaNoWriMo this month, but didn't get very far. I've tried keeping a narrative journal, with limited success, although I will keep striving to maintain it.

The fact is, I love to write, but have no faith in my original ideas when it comes to narratives. Every time I think up stories or characters, my mind invariably shoots them down as trite, boring, flat, etc. Still, if I want to keep my interest of storytelling alive, I had best keep myself from going totally dull. And writing fanfiction is better than not writing at all; particularly my brand of fanfiction, which involves a large amount of original invention and character development anyway. Sad as it may be, my current writing needs a firm ground to start in, characters I already like but did not myself make up, as I have no faith in my own. Hopefully when I am older and wiser and have seen more of the world and its people, I will be able to pull from my own experiences, tales and people I am happy with. But for now I will strive to embellish, for the benefit and enjoyment of other fans, characters which are not my own; but to make them my own, as it were.

But I'll only do this if I feel I'll have an audience. Here, as examples, are some characters I easily pulled off the top of my head, for whom background stories have popped into my head at one time or another.
Jolly Roger
Salty Joe
Weldar
Trophy Thomas
Rawk Hawk
Mimi
Piddles

Sound interesting?

A Lack of Color
You may have noticed some changes in my most recent works. Since coming to college, I've had less and less time and desire to stare at a computer screen, and thus I've been doing most of my art with traditional pen and paper. And since I neglected to bring my colored pencils, I forsake coloring them. However, this has allowed me to experiment lately with just what I can do with pen, and the power of black and white alone. In place of color, I've been trying to bestow my lineart with more detail, which has given a very pleasing result.

Oh, real life!
Interesting stuff going on in my life lately.

Well, I'm going to therapy sessions and am on anti-depressant meds now. Because I'm 18 and I can and my parents can't just tell me it's a "passing phase" and stop me anymore. Funny how it's a secret to most people I know, but I'll openly admit it on the internet... I guess you guys are more understanding, and have also the proof of my past struggles archived here...

I still worry, but it doesn't drive me into the pits of sadness. I stress less. I don't have problems because I don't think about them. I have less motivation for work, and greater desire to draw and do other things which make me happy; and thus I've fallen a bit behind. Now and then I get a sudden shock of how much I have to do, or a shock of my mind berating me that I shouldn't be happy, that I don't deserve to be happy, that I'm still screwing up, that I'm not living up to my "potential," that I don't have "enough" friends and social connections; but now I'm living a lie and unaware of it. In my depressed-and-anxious state, I believed I was aware of the "truth" of the situation, that I didn't deserve to be happy. Now I relapse sometimes into that "awareness", but only for a moment, but then it's gone... but still disturbing...

I'm somewhat confused and conflicted in other areas too, but I think I know which path to follow now...

Mmkay, that's it for now. Thanks for reading, and I wish you the best.
-Courtney